11 July 2008

title not necessary

this was a ? on a bulletin posted on myspace by my cousin halie:

17. I've come to realize that my dad...is and has never been around or involved resulting in us not trying either!

i could have answered the same way. another ? was something like "i've come to realize my mom...." . she answered "a saint". her mom might just be, considering how very normal and well-adjusted halie seems. i don't think i'd be answering that one the same way. my mom was most definitely mortal. she did a bunch of things she should have regretted if she didn't.

"normal" to me ended up being really twisted and kind of sick. passive-aggressive. unsupportive. neglectful. i learned it was all ok. it was ok that people treated me like shit. it was ok if they were nonexistent and uninvolved. it was ok if all the love and kindness in a relationship originated with me.

mind you, i ended up getting out of my relationship with her what i needed. it took her getting cancer and coming thisfuckingclose to dying for me to get it. we had the relationship i'd needed for the last 9 years she lived. i bet she'd say that was the best phase for her too.

i've never had the relationship i needed (or even wanted, for that matter) with my father, and i never will. believe me, i've tried. all my life it's seemed like one thing or another was more important to him than i was, and when that thing ended up being his precious harley davidsons, i threw in the towel. the man wasn't even going to inform me of his impending nuptials until my brother guilted him into it. can you believe that shit? in his eyes, i was supposed to find out about it when the invite showed up in the mail, 4 days before the blessed event!

this uninvolved, uninterested thing is something that runs in the family. i think i might have a touch of it myself. i do not stay in touch with both sides of my family as well as i should. i think finding halie on myspace and seeing just a bit of who she's become is what finally made me uncomfortable with my uninvolvement. praise the psm for technology, eh?

i think july 11th is as good a day to make a resolution as january 1st, so i'm going to resolve to call a few peeps more often, and email the ones i can much more often.


Maven said...

Everyone has that "shit or get off the pot" moment when it comes to their families or friends they have unresolved issues with.

But family isn't just who you are born into; it also is an ever-changing/evolving universe of friends and associations we make throughout our life, filling the voids where our own kin are either too unwilling or unable to do for us.

Love yourself, love Wen'l. Love your friends, and pick and choose which family members you truly enjoy and can relate to, in order to foster a sense of family.

My mother's father is similar to your dad, and what they both are doing is nothing short of abuse. They won't change. To them respect and familial obligation are a one way street--one way with them being the receiver. No matter what we all do, we can't change their character; the only thing we can do is love ourselves enough, love ourselves MORE, and not subject ourselves to it.

Life is indeed too short for this stuff.

Always hoping for the best for you,

The Bizza said...

I can relate to your familial estrangement. I haven't been in contact with my family in years and I haven't returned home in nearly a decade.

I commend your resolution to reach out to your family and I admire your will in "stepping out of your own way" so to speak.