title not necessary

this was a ? on a bulletin posted on myspace by my cousin halie:

17. I've come to realize that my dad...is and has never been around or involved resulting in us not trying either!

i could have answered the same way. another ? was something like "i've come to realize my mom...." . she answered "a saint". her mom might just be, considering how very normal and well-adjusted halie seems. i don't think i'd be answering that one the same way. my mom was most definitely mortal. she did a bunch of things she should have regretted if she didn't.

"normal" to me ended up being really twisted and kind of sick. passive-aggressive. unsupportive. neglectful. i learned it was all ok. it was ok that people treated me like shit. it was ok if they were nonexistent and uninvolved. it was ok if all the love and kindness in a relationship originated with me.

mind you, i ended up getting out of my relationship with her what i needed. it took her getting cancer and coming thisfuckingclose to dying for me to get it. we had the relationship i'd needed for the last 9 years she lived. i bet she'd say that was the best phase for her too.

i've never had the relationship i needed (or even wanted, for that matter) with my father, and i never will. believe me, i've tried. all my life it's seemed like one thing or another was more important to him than i was, and when that thing ended up being his precious harley davidsons, i threw in the towel. the man wasn't even going to inform me of his impending nuptials until my brother guilted him into it. can you believe that shit? in his eyes, i was supposed to find out about it when the invite showed up in the mail, 4 days before the blessed event!

this uninvolved, uninterested thing is something that runs in the family. i think i might have a touch of it myself. i do not stay in touch with both sides of my family as well as i should. i think finding halie on myspace and seeing just a bit of who she's become is what finally made me uncomfortable with my uninvolvement. praise the psm for technology, eh?

i think july 11th is as good a day to make a resolution as january 1st, so i'm going to resolve to call a few peeps more often, and email the ones i can much more often.

chili con carne, sin frijoles

i never put beans in my chili. chocolate and cinnamon, yes. beans, never. and i cook it in the oven. weird, i know. but my chili is the shiznit, and a lot of the reason why is how i cook it. i'm not going to post the recipe, but if you want it, shoot me an email at joolz.sexson@gmail.com.

still having computer problems. device driver issues, bios issues... i wish wen'l knew a lick about windows. well, he does... but not enough to figure out what the hell is going on with this damn thing.

just about done getting ready for xmas. bought a hoity-toity ham off the internet yesterday. a whole ham. for three people. the sammiches are gonna rock though.

i'm beginning to get burned out on cookies. shocking, i know. i think next year i'll be doing something else for wen'ls co-workers.

got a call from *restricted* yesterday. was in the middle of getting dinner ready, so it went to voicemail. didn't find out i had a voicemail till like 10pm. it was my dad. he didn't say anything but to give him a call, and i knew he wanted something. he never calls me unless there's a "favor" i can do for him.

wanted to be able to tell him to go f hisself, but unfortunately, i didn't win the mega millions last night. *sigh*

"I'm well on my way
I'm almost everything
And this is my day
You make me want to say
I'm freeee! Look at me!
Behold everything I'm allowed to see"

- cee-lo green