19 July 2006

of all the fucking days to do this, blogger!

my heart is broke
but i have some glue
help me inhale
and mend it with you

"dumb", nirvana

my mom died this morning. she was 61. she went peacefully.

i will write more later.

13 July 2006

life 2 hrs at a time

that's an accurate description of mine lately. my mom's getting soo very close now.. close enough that she's asking how long it's going to take and apologizing for taking so long. talk about having your heart pulled still beating from your chest.

anyway, i'm going to have to go move her in a few. i just wanted to vent or bawl or something. i've got to have it all sucked up by the time i go move her though. it would kill me to have her see it or hear it in my voice that what she's going through is more than i can handle. she needs to be able to let go of this world... the least i can do is not make her worry and think she needs to hang around.

i haven't quite caved under the weight of it yet. i've got a wonderful husband, and my dad and brother and i are rallying around each other and around her. i think it helps. also, there has been help. mom's family is all gone home now, but my dad's sister has really stepped up the plate.

i'm not going to bore you with the details of an impending death. she's knocking, if you know what i mean.

i've asked for it before, and i'll ask for it again. whatever you pray to, if you do, mention my mom...

09 July 2006

beans beans, they're good for yer heart!

i haven't blogged a recipe in like forever, and i know y'all have lots of cookouts left this summer... so here goes!

wen'l is smokin some ribs for dinner. my aunt made some german potato salad. i'm about 20 mins away from taking some glorious baked beans out of the oven.

1 2½-3½ qt bean pot or covered casserole (i use my 3.5 qt le creuset *french* oven)
1 lb beans (such as great northern, but any smallish white bean will work)
½ teaspoon baking soda
½ lb salt pork
1 medium onion - peeled and ends cut off
4 T sugar
½ c molasses
1 t dry mustard
1 t salt

soak beans overnight. in the morning, preheat oven to 300°. place the
baking soda in a dutch (or *french*) oven and fill half way with water. bring to a boil
and add the beans. gently boil for 10 minutes. drain beans in a colander and run
cold water through them. set aside.

dice the salt pork (available in the bacon section of the grocery store)
into 1 inch squares. put half of the salt pork on the bottom of the bean
pot, along with the onion. put beans in the pot. put the remaining salt
pork on top of the beans.

mix the sugar, molasses, mustard, salt and pepper with 3 cups of hot water
and pour over the beans. cover pot with lid and place the pot into the
preheated oven. bake for 6-6½ hours. check pot periodically to check the
amount of liquid. add water to the beans slowly as needed to keep them
moist; do not flood them. remove the pot from the oven and serve.

03 July 2006

thank you cee-lo

i packed a few of my belongings
left the life that i was living
just some memories of it
mostly the ones i can't forget
whenever you need me i'll be here
until then my dear
i'm going, i'm going, going, going there
don't ask me to make time
to travel back and forth
let nature take its course
maybe i'm open from all this ocean air
and if it wasn't for you i'd be without
a care setting sail to st. elsewhere

- "st. elsewhere", gnarls barkley

i think i got this cd just in time.

02 July 2006

about #37 below...

the five things i always have with me? keys, bling, etc? a pack of smokes was one of them. i need to replace it with something. anything really.

my mom is laying in a hospital bed set up in her dining room, dying. we got the news i've been dreading for so long now last thursday. her poor body has done all the fighting it's capable of, and now it's time for the shuffling to commence.

o to be tied so temporarily to this mortal coil, knowing one's time is about to be up... and my poor mother is only 61 years old. everyone is on their way to see her. the rest of her siblings (her second oldest sister, a retired nurse, has been here for almost a month doing much of the heavy lifting of taking care of her) are on their respective ways here now.. so much to say and so very little time to say it.

i am luckier than some in that my relationship with my mother hasn't been terribly contentious. nothing beyond the normal teenage shit that lasted about 3 weeks before i came to my senses. it's making it harder for me now, though. i have so much to lose with her death. what am i going to do without my biggest cheerleader? how am i going to hold it together and be of some help to the many who will feel her loss like the keenest kind of knife wound? and how am i going to have anything left for myself? i've lapsed into this surreal pragmatism, and i can't seem to help it.

my mind is on autopilot right now, and it's probably best for me to continue to indulge myself. the losing my shit is inevitable, but it's not going to do anyone, least of all myself, any good for now.

for now, i am comforting myself with the knowledge that, by rights, she should have died 9 years ago when she was first diagnosed with cancer. a cure was not possible because of the circumstances... metastatic lung cancer can be at best managed. it turns out it was always with her. perhaps it took everything she's been through this year to make it rear it's ugly, and lethal, head, but i can't think about that now. it WAS managed, though, and she had 9 more years with us. 9 more years to see her kids become who they were meant to be, 9 years with her husband. 9 years to rediscover her own family, and bond once again with her sisters and brother.

i am so grateful she got to see me meet, fall in love with, and marry my precious wen'l. it gives me great comfort to know she thought him worthy of her firstborn. it breaks my heart too, though, because of the deep love shared by the two of them is making the inevitability of her death so hard for him.

i know you all know i'm an atheist. i also know there's a whole lot of people tonight who could really use a prayer, and if you're of the heart and mind to do that, please say one for all of them. for all of us.

62 Questions.. ganked from... (click this title)

1. How old do you wish you were? The age I am, even with current circumstances.
2. Where were you when 9/11 happened? Asleep when the first plane hit, not when the second one did. Then I was staring at the tv in total disbelief in the family room.
3. What do you do when vending machines steal your money? Kick them.
4. Do you consider yourself kind? Yes, and what's going on right now has only made me kinder.
5. If you had to get a tattoo, where and what would it be? It would be a design I saw in the liner notes of a Temple of the Dog cd, around my left ankle. It would detract from a scar I have there.
6. If you could be fluent in any other language what would it be? I'd like to be fluent in Spanish again. Dreaming in another language is way cool.
7. Do you know your neighbors? Yes... on the west is a sweet older Japanese woman who lost her husband a few years back. On the east is the best example of poor white trash I've ever laid eyes on.
8. What do you consider a vacation? An afternoon out of the house at this point.
9. Do you follow your horoscope? I read it. I don't follow it.
10. Would you move for the person you loved? Of course, but he likes it here too.
11. Are you touchy feely? With the right person, perhaps too much so.

12. Do you believe that opposites attract? They might, but the more you have in common the better your chances.
13. Dream job? Host of a highly-rated show on Food Network and bestselling cookbook author.
14. Favorite channels? Food Network, HBO
15. Favorite place to go on a weekend? Out to breakfast with my husband.
16. Showers or Bath? Showers. Baths take way too much time.
17. Do you paint your nails? Yes. I've been known to paint both sets. I think my nails look better naked though.
18. Do you trust people easily? Um, no.
19. What are your phobias? No phobias.

20. Do you want kids? No.
21. Do you keep a handwritten journal? Since I got my first computer, I can barely use a pen. What do you think?
22. Where would you rather be right now? On the porch having our nightly cocktail and conversation. More about the ritual in my next entry.
23. What makes you feel warm and safe? A big hug from my Wen'l.
24. Heavy or light sleep? That depends on how medicated I am.
25. Are you paranoid? Not usually.
26. Are you impatient? I think I invented impatience.

27. Who can you relate to? My husband.
28. How do you feel about interracial couples? I am going to quote the Tense Teacher... "You love whom you love".
29. Have you been burned by love? So many times I'm surprised I wasn't scorched for life.
30. What's your life motto? May the road rise with you.
31. What's your main ringtone on your mobile? I have different rings for different people.
32. What were you doing at midnight last night? Wen'l and I were indulging ourselves with some very maudlin conversation.
33. Who was your last text message from? I don't text.
34. Whose bed did you sleep in last night? My own.
35. What color shirt are you wearing? Baby blue. It's my jammies.
36. Most recent movie you watched? "An Inconvenient Truth"
37. Name five things you have with you at all times? Purse, keys, cell phone, a pack of smokes, and my wedding ring.
38. What color are your bed sheets? Right now, they're navy blue and white gingham.
39. How much cash do you have on you right now? Less than $10. Major purchase today.
40. What is your favorite part of chicken? The wing.
41. What's your favorite town/city? Long Beach, CA.
42. I can't wait till... so many things, but mostly, till my mom's suffering ends.

43. Who got you to join MySpace? Julianne, my best pal/stepcousin.
44. What did you have for dinner last night? Chicken fajitas.
45. How tall are you barefoot? 6 feet.
46. Have you ever smoked crack? Hell to the no!
47. Do you own a gun? Um, I think they should be illegal. Does that answer your question?
48. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? An icy-cold Coca-Cola.
49. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? My big brain. Or my culinary skills. I haven't decided yet.
50. Do you have A.D.D.? Um, no? My dad has that market cornered in my family.

51. What time did you wake up today? 8:00 am.
52. Current worry? That my mom is going to linger and suffer.
53. Current hate? Too many to mention.
54. Favorite place to be? Wherever my Wen'l is.
55. Where would you like to travel? Spain, Italy.. fuck it, ALL of Europe. Australia. New Zealand. And, there's a whole bunch of this country I've never seen. I'd like to fix that.
56. Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs? Parentless, but still with Wen'l. Living in Long Beach.
57. Last thing you ate? A Niman Ranch hot dog. It was the bomb. If you have a Trader Joe's in your area, check em out!
58. What songs do you sing in the shower? I don't sing in the shower. My own ears couldn't take it.
59. Last person that made you laugh? The DigitSlut!
60. Worst injury you've ever had? I was thrown through the windshield of a moving vehicle and landed face-first on the 91 Freeway. Massive head trauma. I still have headaches from it.
61. Does someone have a crush on you? Does my husband count?
62. What is your favorite candy? Michelle's Handmade Marshmallows.