01 August 2006

almost two weeks

since my last post.

i am w/o a doubt the worst blogger ever.

the funeral was last wednesday. mom wanted all the catholic rituals. the rosary the night before the funeral, and the mass and such. i gave the eulogy. we had barely gotten underway and the priest, a *father doug*, called me to the altar. i got about halfway through and choked up like a little bitch. i sucked it up and finished though, and afterward everyone was telling me what a good job i'd done.

i had an amazing mom. having plenty of great shit to say about her made writing the thing easy, but actually getting it out of my mouth was hella hard.

the thing that's got me weirded out the most is that i haven't totally lost my shit yet. i was at the doc (for something totally unrelated) last friday and we talked about what happened. she said sometimes there's a delayed reaction to a death when one has been an active caretaker. that it makes you a little hard, because you have to get a little hard to do what i'd been doing. i shouldn't beat myself up about not dissolving into a puddle of tears so soon afterwards. she wants to see me again in three months, both for the unrelated back problems and to check up on my state of mind. we talked for a good 45 mins.

i heart my doc. our insurance coverage is changing today. different company. first thing wen'l did when he heard about this change (a change due to escalating costs with the original company, something about a 30% increase in premiums, and don't even get me started about THAT shit) was see if we could still have the same doc. luckily for us, she accepts pretty much everything. i would hate to have to start all over with another doc, one who wouldn't give me an hour of uninterrupted time if i needed it.

i'm glad all my mom's family have gone home and are pretty much leaving me alone now. i love em all, but they are so oppressively religious that being around them lately has been a chore i didn't want or need. they were all losing their minds, the ones who think mom's in a better place, and wondering why i wasn't psychotic with grief because i'm an atheist (and they all know it now). i don't think she's in a better place. i think if she could have been healthier, there's no doubt she'd rather still be here. she wasn't in any big hurry to die till she found out she was going to, you know?

anyhow, life is trying to get back to normal. the kitchen floor still needs mopping. the feral cat who calls my backyard home has given birth to a new litter, probably the morning of the funeral. the heatwave has moved eastward. the sun still shines, and i still see my mom in it.

1 comment:

laine said...

insurance premiums... don't get me started on that either. my family policy went up to seventeen hundred a month. had to do some serious trimming of benefits.

you are w/o a doubt NOT the worst blogger ever.

how could you not choke? shit honey, that you even had the balls to get up there is more than most folks could or would do.

the doc is right about the caregiver reaction. give it time. it may never come out the way you're expecting it to. sometimes caregivers have a hard time because of what they've seen. seems so hard to unremember how things were at the end. but after a while, when you think about that person, that's not what comes to mind first. the good stuff does come back. whatever happens, don't beat yourself up about it. we all go about the grief differently and sometimes a quiet inner celebration of their life does much more for you than a loud outpouring.

hugs to you honey